Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I am male. Yes, shocking. But what does it mean to be male? How does one learn to be male? Good question.
I suppose the main means of learning male is through observation, by looking at the other males around you. Obviously, fathers play a big part of this. I remember watching my father, how he treated my mother, how he behaved in public, how he reacted to the world around him, how he reacted to me, his son, and learning from this. Sadly, I'm not sure I absorbed many good messages from him. My father, when I was young, in my formative years, did not treat my mother with a great deal of respect. He did not offer to take the trash out, or help with the meals, or dishes. My dad did the outside work, cutting the grass, carrying wood for the big barrel stove we used for heat, fixing cars, and so on. I learned these expectations from him. I did not learn the art of compromise or diplomacy from him.
I think it's hard being male. It probably used to be much easier, when the gender roles and expectations were clearer. It seems, these roles are in flux now, the world is changing. My wife is always amazed at the number of men one sees walking with their babies. As a child, I'm fairly certain I did not hold a baby, not once, not ever. I may have been asked once or twice to do so, but I never availed myself of the opportunity, and there were plenty of opportunities. I have much younger cousins, who, as babies, were around for holidays. My sister had children when I was still a teenager, and some of my parents' friends had young kids. I don't think it was expected of me, that I would hold a baby, or even want to hold a baby. That could just be me though, not sure.
What else about being male? You learn from friends not to be a sissy. You learn from other men to suck it up and quit being a baby. You learn not to cry, or show emotion, or to show pain, physical or emotional. This is part of being male. You also learn to be tough, and not let anyone step on your toes. I remember in 7th and 8th grade, all kinds of threats to fight, the potential of beating someone up who had somehow disrespected me. Your circle of friends demands that you do not allow yourself to be slighted in any way, your masculinity compromised. You must save face, although I was lucky because it was just the threat of a fight that was enough to save face for oneself, and I'm not so sure the same is true today -- today, you probably must go all the way to save face.
I suppose the main means of learning male is through observation, by looking at the other males around you. Obviously, fathers play a big part of this. I remember watching my father, how he treated my mother, how he behaved in public, how he reacted to the world around him, how he reacted to me, his son, and learning from this. Sadly, I'm not sure I absorbed many good messages from him. My father, when I was young, in my formative years, did not treat my mother with a great deal of respect. He did not offer to take the trash out, or help with the meals, or dishes. My dad did the outside work, cutting the grass, carrying wood for the big barrel stove we used for heat, fixing cars, and so on. I learned these expectations from him. I did not learn the art of compromise or diplomacy from him.
I think it's hard being male. It probably used to be much easier, when the gender roles and expectations were clearer. It seems, these roles are in flux now, the world is changing. My wife is always amazed at the number of men one sees walking with their babies. As a child, I'm fairly certain I did not hold a baby, not once, not ever. I may have been asked once or twice to do so, but I never availed myself of the opportunity, and there were plenty of opportunities. I have much younger cousins, who, as babies, were around for holidays. My sister had children when I was still a teenager, and some of my parents' friends had young kids. I don't think it was expected of me, that I would hold a baby, or even want to hold a baby. That could just be me though, not sure.
What else about being male? You learn from friends not to be a sissy. You learn from other men to suck it up and quit being a baby. You learn not to cry, or show emotion, or to show pain, physical or emotional. This is part of being male. You also learn to be tough, and not let anyone step on your toes. I remember in 7th and 8th grade, all kinds of threats to fight, the potential of beating someone up who had somehow disrespected me. Your circle of friends demands that you do not allow yourself to be slighted in any way, your masculinity compromised. You must save face, although I was lucky because it was just the threat of a fight that was enough to save face for oneself, and I'm not so sure the same is true today -- today, you probably must go all the way to save face.
